My first Youtube Video

don't fall asleep to quickly.

The Risk of the New

It happens in the staff meetings where someone has yet to throw in the towel to become bystanders, or onlookers. Where one or more staff hope from something new. During the meeting a moment occurs, the group is presented with a new idea, a moment of inspiration that's not yet fully formed. It popped up 3 minutes ago, everyon got excited, until - and you know what's coming don't you - someone throws the wet blanket. They ask How? They may do this for their own personal joy, or they may simply be "practical". This person may ask, How will we pay for it? or How long would it take? or Has it worked somewhere else before?

"How?" when asked to early, kills transformation. "How?" is what we ask when we already know the answer. "How?" is the voice of the status quo. "How?" is the voice of the oppressor. "How?" is an excuse to be unfaithful.

Ideas that are 5 minutes old, are not worth asking How? about.

How? is what we ask, when we resist risk. When things look to big, for us, or God to do, we ask "How?" New things always require risk, engagement, and the opportunity for loss and possibility for a negative reaction.

If the only decisions your church staff make, don't cost anyone anything, are they really worth doing?

Simply because we don't have the answers now, doesn't mean it's not a good idea.

Transformation requires risk. Asking How? too soon will always assure that you never risk anything.

This doesn't mean you won't have problems. Problems aren't exclusively the property of risk. Problems will find you when you try to keep everyone happy as well.
It can become a downward spiral for a lot of churches.
But that my friends would be another post of the future.

Toying with an idea

I'm toying with an idea. My good friend David Welch recently suggested this idea and I've been tossing it around and thought I'd get your input.

Folks email me questions pretty often these days wanting some outside perspective to various issues and I respond to every email I get. I give my take and I try to get the takes of others I know. When appropriate I might even spend some time talking with them you) on the phone.

Still others invite me into the church and I partner with them in their own context.

David suggested that I answer some questions that people ask me via video and post them in a video blog post.

What do you think?

I'm really asking here friends. What do you think?

Leading Church B: April 27-29, 2009

Mark your calendar now.

I've received a lot of inquiries from people wanting to become a consultant and others who are actively coaching other leaders, inside their context and outside of it. There is a kind of experienced leader that few folks are equipping in the church.
We've developed a process exclusively for these folks.

You'd love these kind of experience if:
• you are looking to better understand your role as a church leader
• you re good at what you do, but deep down question if it's a vocational fit for you long term.
• church leaders from other churches call you for advice or input
• you've attended the big conventions in the past for yourself, but now you take your team and skip the sessions yourself.
• you are tired of conferences and seminars where 95% of the content is based on the latest game, or simply a further diagnosis of the problems in the church.
You know there's a problem and you are ready to join God in creating a new future.• you're serious about the future of youth ministry in your church, and in other churches
• you are looking for an alternative future for youth ministry in the church
• you are looking for an alternative view of pastor in the church
• you are a senior pastor who wants to create new culture for healthy ministry
• are a veteran pastor and you'd like to refine the skill of consulting to coach other congregations
• you wake up at night thinking about the future of ministry and how to lead people into it.
• you want to take your extensive experience and gain the skills to become a ministry consultant yourself

More information is to come:
Leading Church B
April 27-29
Agora in Tulsa, OK.

(not) making it happen

I was invited to guest blog over at the Youth Specialties site a few weeks ago and I thought I'd go ahead and post what I wrote here too.

I got off the phone this morning with John, a youth pastor, who will leave his church in 20 days because of the church’s financial situation. He’s built a big youth ministry with lots of kids and very few volunteers. “The church isn’t interested in working with teens,” he tells me. John is truly heart-broken for the kids and is reaching out to me to see if I can help the church in some way after he leaves. He doesn’t want to see it all fall apart and he knows it will after he leaves.

I didn’t tell him this. It’s probably for the best.

You see, somewhere along the way we youth pastors bought into a lie. We believe our job is to make things happen, to build programs, to attract youth all in the name of ministry, or building the kingdom. We bought into the idea that our job, our ministry is to make things go. We believe that somehow, our success or failure as a pastor is dependent upon our ability to motivate people to follow through and implement our plans and our dreams in the name of vision. In fact, we in the church are infatuated with visionaries who make it happen. The lie is pervasive these days.

Chances are this is a small reason why you love being a youth pastor. You have ideas, and you get to inspire and envision people to produce your programs. Chances are you are evaluated by how efficiently you bring others on board with your vision and how well you produce the goals and objectives you declared.

But this is a deeply flawed understanding of leadership and is destructive for church staff, and those within the church as well. This is a flawed perspective because it has unintended consequences. This kind of thinking is highly colonial and creates a level of isolation, entitlement and passivity that enables congregations to abdicate their responsibility to the leaders, who often gladly take it.

The leaders become strangers and distant from the people they are called to lead in this environment. In extreme cases people can become cogs in the details of a leaders mechanistic plans. Service is reduced to volunteer positions that must be filled.

It’s important for you to understand something.

You aren’t called to make things happen in your church.

Oh, you may be paid to make things happen, but it’s not God calling you to plan, lead and pull off all that unsustainable stuff. It’s not God calling you build it all, or convince others to build your vision either.

You will always have more ideas, more dreams, more hopes, more plans than your church should pull off in your ministry. You will always see more than can be done right now. You must learn to live with this tension.

* Your job as a leader isn’t to make plans and then have others buy into them.
* The role of a leader is to declare the mission, and create an environment in which people can dream and live into it.
* By making things happen you are robbing people from the God given responsibility they have to children in your church.

The difference is in the level of commitment of the people you lead. Take John for instance. John created a lot of great experiences, but the people within his church weren’t committed to it outside of a paycheck to a staff member. When John leaves in 20 days, his ministry will crumble and it will be a beautiful thing for his church. Because it will force them to make a decision about how engaged they will be for teens.

I know what you are thinking. His church won’t step up. They will lose kids.
Could be. It’s pretty common.

This is the commentary on how well we lead in the church though, not so much on the church itself. The people of the church are being faithful to how they were led. They are living out their ministry teens the way it’s been expected of them.

How many of our churches are this way and how many churches would lose people if the staff stopped making things happen? There is an entire culture of leadership within the church rising up based on this faulty understanding of leadership.

You see, not only is top-down leadership often manipulative, colonial and patriarchal, but it’s also reactive. It only creates more of the same problems that it’s trying to solve.

Whereas leadership that declares the mission and then cultivates an environment within which it can happen is restorative. It produces energy, not hype. It confronts people, and forces accountability. The kind of leadership creates accountability, without directly calling for it.

So is this the end of visionary leadership? Absolutely not. It is simply a change in the way churches approach the role of staff and the way the mission blooms within your church. There’s a difference between helping your community imagine a world beyond their currently reality (vision) and convincing them to live it your way.

What kind of leader are you? Do you feel the need to make things happen? Have you always been this way? If not, what taught you that this was the right way?

Or do you cultivate an environment in which people can engage deeply, or superficially? An environment where you let go of the implementation to the people of your church?

The Word is Getting Out

Word is getting out about the Masters Level Certificate I'm teaching at Biblical Seminary.

You can take these courses and never leave your home.
Plus we'll be discussing youth ministry in some pretty exciting ways.

Link

Trying to find rhythm again

I let Pam sleep in this morning as we recover from our vacation.
It was a great trip.
1 day travel to cali
1 day Sea World (10am - 10pm EST)
1 day at beach and out with friends
3 days at Disneyland and California Adventure
1 day at Legoland.
1 day travel to tulsa.
= a great time and tired feet.

Today I'm trying to find rhythm again. It will probably be a few days before I find it frankly. I was able to take a good solid vacation. I was more "off" than I thought I would be, which is good news. There was an emergency appendectomy within the Eikon community, but he's recovering very well, and the community seemed to take care of things well for the family. Also there I had a client with a need for advice on a bit of an emergency situation that had come to their attention. But this was solved in a phone call. So I really didn't work much while on the road.


I downloaded the new Alanis Morisette this week and am listening to it right now. I've loved Alanis' music for a long time. I'll let you know if I like it.

I'm sitting in Joe Mommas working. Free WiFi and good people around. (no pizza for me though, back on the diet i go.)

I've got a long list of things to do this week. Occassionally someone will ask me what it's like working for myself. They'll ask something like, how do you go to work, or get things done without deadlines from outside yourself, or sometimes they'll ask, "is there a temptation to be lazy and procrastinate?"

Of course the answer depends on the day. But today, there is a list of things that don't have to get done today, but actually do, if you know what I mean. Emails that need to be sent, that if I don't send them, few people will notice. Reading that needs to be done, that no one will notice if I do it or not.

This kind of thing isn't fun, or easy for me to do. I've got Eikon stuff, Riddle Group stuff, and a bit of "Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors" stuff to do in the next couple weeks.

so I'm off to see if I can find the beat....

Youth Ministry Consulting

I started the Riddle Group 3 years ago today. I've done this full time since then. During that time I've experienced the joy of using my gifts to encourage and support local church leaders. I am excited about what the next 3 years will be like for the Riddle Group. I feel like I've found my rhythm and have seen God work the situations we've been invited into. Along the way we've never advertized. We pray for folks, we've initiated one-on-one conversations and we've seen churches transformed by what God can do in a church that wants to see great things in their youth ministry.

Since the beginning I've been committed to only working with churches who want to change. We don't sell ourselves to anyone. This has come with obvious pro's and con's, but we remain committed to this strategy. You want to change, we can help. But we aren't going to convince you that you need it. I hope that I am living and leading the RG generously. There is plenty of need for youth ministry consulting to go around. I'm also confident that no one does what the Riddle Group does, as well as we do it. It's with this spirit of generosity and confident and trust that I want to share with you some other folks who do this kind of thing. That I trust.

Jonathan Reitz is a Riddle Group consultant who has recently started his own full time initiative. Jonathan is a great consultant and coach.

Mark DeVries is one of the most humble guys I know. He's been doing consulting for a long time and was gave me amazing advice as I started the Riddle Group (and before). His company is named Youth Ministry Architects. Here's link. Save it. Architects is hard to spell.

Bill Easum blows stuff up. He's founded Easum Bandy and Associates years ago and is a great guy. I run into a lot of his clients who are looking for youth ministry consulting too. It's good to partner in an informal way with Easum Bandy.

If you are looking for consulting, give these guys a call, or we at the Riddle Group would be humbled to help you. These folks will all take care of you.

Riddle Group church in the News

First Christian Church is located in Duncan, Oklahoma. The Riddle Group walked beside FCC, a church of 250 folks for a little over a year as they did the hard work of taking responsability for the spiritual nurture of their teens. After about 14 months they hired a youth pastor, Ryan. 3 months after Ryan started, Ryan and the youth leadership team decided to buy a local building to add youth space, and to add a contemporary worship service. Most of the folks on the youth leadership team (who are the people ultimately responsible for youth at FCC were looking for a new kind of experience in their church.)

This is a church where youth ministry is sustainable and it impacts the church as a whole.

They just made their local news with the opening of their new service. Pretty great stuff. The people have worked very hard and have great vision for youth ministry. Their youth ministry is not focused around a youth pastor, and Ryan is given permission to do what he's good at, while not needing to fake it in other areas.

Great Job my Friends!

Link

The Well, a ministry of First Christian Church, is the new name of what has, until now, been known as the church’s South Campus. The ministry is housed in what was once the J.C. Penney building at 913 W. Main. Shoppers who once frequented the store wouldn’t recognize the place now, though.

Since the church purchased the 20,000-square-foot building last summer, many yards of old carpeting have been ripped up, tile has been laboriously chipped from the floors, and walls and partitions have been knocked down. Once only a hollow shell was left, the restoration began, with many volunteers from the church and community working toward a common goal — that of turning the building into a large community outreach facility.

A stage and sound booth have been constructed, theater-type seats put into place, overhead video screens hung, bathrooms added, offices built ... the list of improvements is mind-boggling.

It goes on to say,

And change is important, especially for Duncan, the group agreed.

“So many parents have expressed joy that this facility will be available for all people, all denominations. We’re here as the family of Jesus — brothers and sisters in Christ. You can leave your baggage at the door. I’m inspired that our church had the vision, leadership and support to undertake this endeavor,” Hunt said.

“You could call The Well a sort of restoration or resurrection, and we’re hoping that God will resurrect some more,” Talley said.

Biblical Seminary Youth Ministry Certificate

I'm really excited about the opportunity to lead these courses. I've been impressed with Biblical Seminary for several years. John Franke is a brilliant and influential thinker on the faculty and Alan Roxburgh Has consulted them on what it looks like to become a missional seminary willing to engage a postmodern world. Word is that Tim Keel pastor here, has done a lot of work with them as well. I'm grateful to Todd Littleton for inviting me to join Biblical and Shapevine to facilitate these 5 courses. Here's the description from Biblical.

A master’s level certificate program offered by Biblical Seminary in partnership with Shapevine for the development of missional leaders around the world.

Developed by Mark Riddle
http://www.theriddlegroup.com

This fully online program lets you earn a certificate in youth ministry without leaving your current ministry context. The five-course certificate can be completed in less than two years.

Youth Certification Link

A Temporary New Look for the Blog

Over the next few months I'm going to be reorganizing my presence on the web.
The blog address should stay the same, but the look will change.
I'm overhauling theRiddleGroup.com site and adding two additional sites. One site dedicated to my new book, "Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors" another that is a hub for me (markriddle.net) Sometime in January I'll likely put up a new site for my other book that will be released in Sept. 2009. Oh, and I'll be developing a site for the new church we've started here in Tulsa. Ok. So I've got some work to do.

For folks who read the blog, nothing should change except the look and few more links on the side.

I'm hoping not to overwhelm folks with Book Release stuff when they come out, but rather point them to the book site. It's probably just me, but it bugs me when bloggers pimp there book every single day, every single time they post.

anyway. the new look is temporary and mainly so you can comment with ease. so feel free to comment!

Tuesday and a trip to OKC

After arriving around 7pm from Atlanta on Friday night, I left for OKC early Tuesday morning.

I scheduled two phone calls during my 90 minute drive and return a few others.
Once in OKC I stopped into Panera and checked my mail, then responded to a few emails.
At 11:30 I met my long time friend John Gilstrap from Church of the Servant in north Oklahoma City. He's the Student Pastor there, and is currently beginning a search for a Junior High Pastor. Church of the Servant is rediscovering itself and it's refreshing to sit across the table from a youth pastor committed to a particular people, regardless of how fast, or slow change happens.

At 1:15 I met with Mark McAdow, Senior Pastor of First United Methodist Church of Oklahoma City. FUMC is looking for a youth pastor also, or they will be in the future. Mark is a true pastor. He's committed to loving people. It's always good for me to be around him. In a precious life I was on staff with Mark at Asbury in Tulsa. I think the Riddle Group could really support the dreams and heart of Mark and First Church... we'll see.

From 2:30pm to 5:15 I added some tasks to my list so I could get them out of my head, sent some email and blogged a bit, but mostly I prepped for my meeting with the Student Leadership Team of Westmoore Community Church in south OKC. By the way WCC's sermon series always make me chuckle (in a good way). Their LCD sign out front says, "Victorious Secret" nice.

6:00pm - I met with the Student Leadership team (a totally volunteer team) who have been leading and expanding the youth ministry for about a year and a half.

We broke early and I headed for home at 9:30.
On the drive home I spent 60 minutes on the phone with David Welch from YS.

Home.
No more travel for about a week!

6:00pm

I'm still figuring all this out.

I'm consultant. A church consultant to be exact. A job that is occasionally the butt of joking among friends. In the church, I find most folks I work meet on the street aren't sure that that means. There aren't a lot of church consultants. And some of the folks who call themselves consultants give the rest of us a bad name. I suppose the same is true for lawyers and pastors. There's a lot of people with a lot of experience who people pay for advice.

Advice is helpful if you've had the same experience, the same context and the same exact situations as the person giving it.

Baz Lurman says advice is " "

Consultants who give advice aren't really consultants... at least from what I gather. Maybe we should call them advice givers. or maybe experts. or something more fancy. I suppose the term consultant is the junk drawer for people who want to tell other people how great their thoughts are.

It is my hope I'm not that, an advice giver or an expert. An expert, or advice giver is someone who lives each day in the shadow of past successes (or failures twisted to sound like successes) and then passes these experiences on to a client to live vicariously through them.

I must confess this is a real temptation. It would be easier to listen and then give advice. It would be easier to take my square experience and apply it to your round situation.

More confession. I do this sometimes.

But I'm learning. I'm learning that consulting isn't about giving people answers. Consulting is more about learning than it is about disseminating information. I'm learning that if I want to be a great consultant, then I need to humbly put my advice and experiences on the shelf and learn from who is speaking to me. While I'm confessing, our team does this really well sometimes and it's beautiful to see.

If you are looking for a consultant (or if you aren't) let me give you this advice.
Look for a consultant who is hoping to learn from you.
It will be in the moments when they learn from you, that you learn from them.

I know it sounds counter intuitive. But if you will benefit the greatest from a consultant who is quick to learn, and slow to dispense advice.

I could be wrong. But this is what I'm learning...

Things I need to finish today

The updated slides for my seminar in St. Louis.
A meeting.
A milestone for both my books... for Zondervan - (that would be a total of two things)
Finish the update of The Riddle Group webpage (the Youth Ministry Consulting Firm I own)
polish a section of my pastor book for the Milestone listed above for Zondervan
download the new iTunes song I got for getting coffee at Starbucks on Wednesday.

and I need to finish a burrito from Chipotle... it opens today.

Also it's my day to drop off and pick of the kids. So my working hours today are 9:45am to 2:15pm.

I'm off! Have a great day.

UPDATE:
Meet with Matt and Joe in Owasso. First time with these guys. Great folks. It would be fun to work with them and the church they are from.

I picked up Chipotle today and brought my wife lunch. It was sooo good. I had the Barbaco. mmm. Saw my friend, the Great Wade Hodges there. He was 100 people in front of me in line.

Dropped kids off.

Worked on my AMSI (Zondervan thingy for the Youth Pastor Survival Guide.. but didn't finish!! ahhh!

I'm off again!

Back from San Diego

San Diego was a great experience.

Friday's Seminar with Marko was good, not great, but good. We got solid feedback and the evaluations were pretty high, so maybe I'm being hard on myself. I'm pleased with most of our content, but not in how we treat it. IT will be better in St. Louis next week. I'm excited to present an improved version.

I got to hang out with some great people throughout the weekend, which is always a highlight for me. It's good for me to be with other great leaders because it sharpens me.

I'm especially thankful for several relationships with folks who lead various ministries and are able to help me think beyond my typical thinking. As I've said before on this blog, I have something inside me that is very uncomfortable about self-promotion. Or better said, promoting the Riddle Group feels like self promotion. I don't know why this is, but it's something to spend some time praying about. I love what I do and would be happy to work for free and often do. But I've realized this motivation actually hurts my family. Obviously right? I'm not getting rich doing consulting, but I'm driven to expand the kingdom and support pastors minister is healthy, sustainable ways.

Regardless, people keep saying the same thing to me. "What you have to offer has real value and people have got to find out about it."

Anyway, while I was in San Diego I was able to see some friends from the "Something" group/house church who have relocated to SD from Michigan. John Raymond joined us and we ate dinner at Miguel's (amazing mexican food) on Cornado Island.

Then John and I walked down to the ocean. I put my feet in and called Pam while I was standing in the water.

It felt great.

I had forgotten the power and roar of the ocean.

humbling. amazing. awe inspiring.

I could live near the ocean. no doubt.

My flight left yesterday as San Diego was ablaze.
I'm praying for all my friends who live there.

The Hidden Secrets to Dialogue and her strange cousins:. Part 4

The Grand-daddy named Generative

Remember Advocacy and Inquiry are the keys to dialogue.

Before I explain what a Generative Dialogue looks like, It's helpful to know that each of us have a natural way in which we engage in conversation. These are the ways in which we have learned to engage the world around us. Observing, Telling, and Asking are all natural means by which different personality types flow, but Generative dialogue is a skill.

1. Politicking: Every cousin has it's dysfunctional side. Politicking is the act of giving the impression of balancing advocacy and inquiry, while being close-minded.

2. Skillful discussion - Balancing advocacy and inquiry really well. (close to dialogue, but not quite) The Skillful discussion participant is genuinely curious about what others think and their reasoning, while also clearly articulating their personal reason explicit. What makes this person great is that they begin to unearth the other persons assumptions without being critical or accusing. This person asks questions and inquires to get at the foundational work done in the other persons mind, not simply for information, but for better understanding.

3. Drumroll please. Finally, it's Dialogue!

Dialogue suspends all assumptions creating a container in which collective thinking can emerge. A dialogue does not mean I give up on all my ideas, opinions and thoughts, but that I'm able to suspend those ideas and the assumptions that support them so that I can engage in collective thinking. Collective thinking is the ability for a group to have a growing conversations that moves all of it's participants forward. It is generative. It is free from agenda, other than the teams purposes. It's free of people simply observing, telling or asking.
It's the wonderful blend of advocacy and inquiry.

The Hidden Secrets to Dialogue and her strange cousins:. Part 3

The Cousin with Big Ears

Remember that true dialogue is a unique blend of high support and advocacy with a high level of inquiry.

We've talked about the ugly cousin who observes while remaining silent, withdrawn, bystanding and sensing. This is low support and low inquiry.

We talked about the tall cousin who tells everyone what they think via dictating, asserting or explaining. This is high support, but low inquiry.

The Cousin with big ears is an ASKER.
The ASKER has a high level of inquiry as you can imagine. But they aren't really all that supportive. Have you ever encountered the ASKER?

The ASKER takes three main forms.

1. Interogating - "Why can't you see that your point of view is wrong?" This person inquires about your thoughts, but not for support. The interogator asks questions to debunk your thoughts and ideas. These folks are often wise enough to know better than not to ask questions, but hidden, sometimes masterfully, under the surface is an agenda. This is dysfunctional inquiry and is the ugliest forms of the ASKER.

2. Clarifying- "What is the question we are trying to answer?" This is sometimes a very helpful kind of conversation that has lost it's course, but when it occurs within a dialogue it actually deters the team from moving forward in the purposes of the group. Notice that this is not a supportive question either.

3. Interviewing - Exploring others' points of views and the reasons behind them. This might sound like a pretty nice option to some of my readers. It's not often someone actually asks you enough questions to get more than a bullet point or condensed version of your idea out and on the table. When someone interviews you it feels wonderful, but in a pure interview there is no advocacy or support for your ideas. The Interviewer remains objective leaving your ideas just laying there on the table with no legs. Interviews without advocacy and support there is no dialogue.


Tomorrow... we talk about actual dialogue.

Is this helpful? With no comments on this series, I'm wondering if anyone is reading them...

The Hidden Secrets to Dialogue and her strange cousins:. Part 2

The Tall Cousin: Telling

In the staff meeting, someone comes up with an idea for the service next month. conversation starts... It's an opportunity for dialogue. Some will observe (see part 1), others will engage the conversation in their quest for dialogue by telling everyone what they think. In fact, Telling is a pretty common phenomenon within some church staffs. It's the time when the usual suspects tell everyone what they think they need to hear. You know you are a Teller, you often think of something to say while someone else is talking and you get frustrated because they keep talking and you are forced to remember your new idea.

Telling is the Tall cousin. It is highly supportive response to engaging, but ranks low when it comes to exploring the ideas of others.

Telling manifests itself in three ways:
1. Asserting - "Here's what I have to say, and here's why I say it!"

2. Explaining - " Here's how the world works and why I can see it so clearly."

3. Dictating - "Here's what I have to say, and nevermind why."

Asserting, Explaining and Dictating are all one way communcation.

Chances are you fall into this. And your staff team.

The secret here is that even though you might feel like you are in dialogue, you really aren't, because you are busy telling everyone what you think, or thinking of the next thing you want to say. A group of tellers often miscommunicate and rarely ever really understand what the other folks are saying. This leads to distrust, alienation and isolation.

If you are on staff with a Teller, there are ways to subvert this pattern, but it takes a lot of patience and discipline.

Part 4 will tell you how, so be patient, we'll get there soon enough.

Tomorrow: Part 3 - The cousin with big ears.

The Hidden Secrets to Dialogue and her strange cousins:. Part 1

Youth Pastors, Emerging types, and leaders from various aspects of the world we live in are often in a quest for dialogue. Dialogue is actually such a rare thing with in church staffs, or business meetings, or "brainstorm" sessions that when it happens it's almost miraculous.

In this series I'll be taking us on the road to dialogue and the sad reality that we all fall into when it comes to working together. The launching point for these is based on the work of Diana McLain Smith.

The setting, unless otherwise stated is a staff meeting. (aw, the wonderful times in staff meetings!) Think about a problem that arises and the team is trying to solve it. (more on this later)

A couple quick prep statements:
Dialogue is about Exploration and Supportiveness.

Exploration is the ability to legitimately explore the ideas of others with an open mind and without judgment.

Supportiveness is the the ability to support the ideas of the person you are talking to.


Ok. Let's get started. But be careful, you'll see yourself in some of these.

The Sick cousin of Dialogue is Observing.
In case you didn't know, observation is not dialogue. It truly is it's sick cousin.

Observation is marked by low levels of exploration and supportiveness.

In a staff meeting this takes three forms:
1. Bystanding: The bystander might talk, but his/her comments pertain to the group process, but not the goal or content of the conversation.

The Bystander sees it as his responsibility to comment on how the conversation is going, how different people are engaging and how it could be better a "conversation." This is pretend dialogue, it often makes the rest of the staff feel like crap, and think that the bystander is an arrogant jerk.

The bystander isn't on the team, they are in the stands. No desire for exploration of the ideas people are contributing, nor are they supportive of what others are saying. They instead choose to talk about something else.

2. Sensing: The Sensor is the person in the staff meeting taking it all in. They see everything. But they don't contribute. They might feel supportive of someone in the group, but because they never express it, they really aren't. They definitely are not exploring the ideas of others.

Sensors won't share the risk of the conversation, so they short circuit dialogue. They kill teams. Sadly these are often nice people.

3. Withdrawing: The person who withdraws from the conversation is dysfunctional. In youth ministry, these are the people who are near the end of the time with a church. Their body may be in staff meeting, but their mind is somewhere else. They have checked-out. This is the ugliest of the sick cousin.

The is no secret: You can't really understand people simply by observing and you can't move forward together by bystanding, sensing or withdrawing.

In your quest for dialogue, you have to find ways within you to inquire about what other people really mean. The inquiring is as good for them as it is for you. You (we) also need to champion the ideas of others even if we think we will ultimately disagree.

Tomorrow we discuss the the tall cousin of dialogue in Part 2.

The Secrets to Dialogue and her strange cousins

I'm going to start a series later this morning on the hidden secrets of dialogue.
This will not be a how to series, but rather a description of the different ways we communicate (or lack there of) and how it effects our ministries.

If you are a youth pastor and you want to learn something super important about what people actually think in your church this is a series for you.

If you are a part of any organization or relationship where you work interdependently you will find something for you here.

I'm attempting to take some of the systems thinking stuff and make it a bit more practical for you the honored guest of the Riddle Group blog.

So we'll dive into the Secrets of dialogue and her strange cousins in a few hours.

Not Best... Better

Transformation doesn't come at once. For individuals, communities or organizations.
For the past 10 years I've heard a lot of folks all of them in churches larger than 3,000 people on any given Sunday, say something like, we want the a World Class Ministry, or we want to be the Best in Class.

These terms have always bugged me for a variety of reasons.
One of them is that churches who struggle to be the "Best" will never arrive. Never.

I think I get what they are saying though... at their heart they are saying they want to be better than they are now. That is the heart of innovation.

Advice to Church Consultants

I'm getting a lot of folks calling me these days talking about wanting to be youth ministry consultants. I suppose there has always been a steady stream of folks who have emailed or called me over the past two years asking me if I was hiring youth ministry consultants. Often after talking to these folks they start their own consulting business, which I'm all for by the way. (If they are helpful to the local church) I'm going to share a few thoughts over the next few months that I've learned about consulting (esp. youth ministry consulting) over the past two years while I'm doing this. I'm not sure how qualified I am to give this advice, but I hope it will be helpful.

Principle One:

The more a church needs your services, the less likely they will actually benefit from them.

It's seems a bit backwards, but the churches I work with have great, gifted, insightful leadership. All of them are smarter than I am. All of them have more experience than I do. All of them, however are learners and it's because they are so good at what they do that makes them open to bringing a consultant in to work alongside their leadership. Certainly there are things you as the consultant know and see that will be really helpful to church leaders, but often this is only part of the reason you are brought in.


The church leaders who most need the services the most are less likely to invite you behind the curtain to see the inner workings of their church. Further, they are much less likely to take your advice, even though the church's youth ministry is in "critical condition".

I suppose the reason for this is habit.

We do what we've always done.

My friend Sarah consistently dates guys that mistreat her which often leads to abuse. She knows she needs to pick a new kind of guy, but struggles to do so because everything in her naturally picks the wrong guy. It's simply easier to pick the wrong guy.

First Church has had 15 youth pastors in 15 years. They are in a bad rhythm. They need to take a break and work thru some things to reach youth in healthy ways. When given the option to be coached through a year long process with a youth ministry consultant or hire a mom with no youth ministry experience, but who is available right now, they choose a the mom. It's not a financial decision, both cost the same. It's not whether they would benefit, clearly this church has something to gain by having some outside eyes walk with them for a year to break some bad habits they have in their youth ministry. They need it more than most of the churches I work with. It's simply easier for this chruch to keep hiring youth pastors and wounding their students.

Coaching Day

Today I'm spending the day in one-to-one coaching sessions with the youth workers of Westmoore Community Church. I started this morning at 9:30am and end a bit after 10:00pm. I do this once a month for WCC.
They don't have any youth staff but are making a big difference in the lives of kids in South Oklahoma City. The folks I'm meeting with have said "Yes" to God, though most of them have never lead a team, or been on a team like this before, and even less have any experience working with teens God is honoring their faithfulness. I don't really ask how many kids they have coming to their large program, but it's somewhere in the range of 600. Their program meets 5 weeks on, then 3-4 weeks off. Which defies all conventional thinking and assumptions church leaders have about Momentum.

They are ramping up their Middle school small groups to a new level this fall and starting a student leadership program as well.

Such a fun church to work with. One of my favorite things about this church is that most somewhere around 85% of the people involved in the church didn't attend church anywhere or know Christ before WCC.

Lives are being changed.

These youth workers are dealing with all the issues that come with a group of kids this size. Cutting, drug use, abusive homes, and absent parents all en masse... without a professional youth pastor or any youth staff.

When I sit with these folks, they seem to know the gravity of their responsibility, and the task at hand.

One day they'll hire a youth pastor, but they aren't really looking right now. There is no need to. The church is owing/learning to own the spiritual formation of their kids.

Long Listening

We all want quick answers. We want to know what we need to do now, not later. I find this true in consulting as well.

Most relationships The Riddle Group begins with churches begins with an Assessment. Generally myself and one other consultant visit the church. It's basically 2 or 3 solid days of listening to people in various parts of the church tell the perspective on why things are the way they are, good, bad or neutral. They get to tell their story and it always fits into the big picture. A real joy of doing an assessment is is listening to a community tell it's story and seeing all the pieces come together. Each story leans on another's story and though they may be saying very different things, each is dependent upon each other. It's really cool to be a part of.
After the 2-3 days of listening (and taking a ton of notes) we spend the next day writing. All day. Then we tell what we've heard and what we think needs to happen.

I was thinking about this tonight. The wisdom these churches show in having someone listen for a long time to them (and paying them to do it) and waiting for a response when most people want quick solutions and quick answers.

Without long listening advice often rings shallow. Coaching is often way off based. Help isn't really helpful.

Most leaders want advice or insight now. Wise leaders are willing to wait for someone to actually understand their story.

How willing are you, to let someone listen to your story?
How much do you depend on the insight and direction of people who don't know your story?

Long listening may often be a barrier to people seeking the help of the Riddle Group, but we believe in partnering with the churches we work with, and that starts with us doing a lot of listening.

Tangler

I discover Tangler yesterday and started piloting it with one of the churches I'm working with. It seems pretty cool... and the leadership team is already using it.

www.tangler.com

Change in Organizations - Part 3

Here's a visual.

So our day to day decisions are born from governing values /variables that are things we take to be normal. These generally are not questioned. Personally or organizationally.

Some folks in the church implement change, but the only thing they really change is the strategy. This is single loop learning. When they change it assumes a certain foundation of understanding.

So a private high school is training teachers about how to create an environment conducive for learning. They might: teach teachers to greet students with a hand shake and eye contact rather than working at the teachers desk as students arrive. These actions are attempts at single loop changes. They may or may not work.

But when a teacher says, "Since we all know that studies show that high schoolers learn best after 9:30 in the morning, maybe we should arrange the schedule of the day?" That teacher is looked at funny because what he is voicing is in direct contradiction to the basic understanding of normal expectations. In other words, it goes against the governing values /variables of the people in leadership.

In a double loop learning environment, the question about the school day schedule can be questioned and even changed. Which in effect changes the action plan and strategy.

Is this making sense?

Does your Church have a Learning Disability?

Wikipedia definition:

Learning disability (U.S.) -- In the U.S., the term is used to refer to a learning difficulty that is unexpected given the general intelligence of the affected individual. That is, the academic performance of the affected person is much lower than the individual's general intelligence would predict.


For a variety of reasons church leaders tend to to think of themselves as static organizations with hard and fast rules not only for developing dogma in the minutia of life, but also in their organization.

The world is changing. How a Church engages it must change.

If this is so true, then why is it so hard to move your service time from 9:30am to 9:45 without their being an uproar?

Because change means we might lose something and church is the place people go to keep from grieving.

What I'm talking about here is the ability for the church organization (organism) to learn. Not only learning from successes and failures, but also identifying assumption your church holds to that were often solidified from past experiences.

Most churches simply do not learn about why they are they way they are. They do not look to see how their practices, behaviors, programs, communication, staff, expectations and theology all teach and move us toward action that generally doesn't work. But they still do it. over and over.

This is the essence of a learning disability in churches.

Priorities

I heard a church recently ask this question to potential lead pastor candidates they were interviewing.

Rate the following in terms of priority: family, God, work, ministry.

I think this is a ridiculous question to ask in an interview. I could see it on the candidates face as they thought about their response. They thought this was a trick question. It was a trick question. But not on purpose. The individual asking the question didn't really know what she was asking.

When I was in youth ministry I would ask a question similar to this one. It seemed to make sense to me and the students.

This is a ridiculous question for a few reasons.

1. If you ask people this question enough they know how to answer it so that you will be happy with their answer.

2. The question is dumb because it creates false categories with well defined boundaries where there really aren't any. In other words, Ministry can somehow be separated from GOD (which it can't) You can't have God as a priority and not have ministry as a priority or family or work for that matter. These are not differenct catagories, they are different emphasis on the same issue.

3. Each of these words mean different things to different people, and if you assume what people mean when they say work or ministry you will very likely be wrong.

4. This kind of question may seem harmless (and maybe it is) but it re-enforces a compartmentalized faith and life in the average person or family. Which leads us to a theologically unhealthy way to live.

5. Everybody lies about their priorities. Mostly to themselves.

Perhaps instead of asking kids, or Lead Pastor candidates what order their priorities are in we should ask them what it means for them to have a relationship with God and how it impacts their life?

The Future - I'm talking to you

You know those rules of thumb you've been working to accumulate over the years? The "wisdom" and "knowledge" you have from doing what you've done for years that make the day to day a bit easier. The base or foundation by which you might allow people to call you an expert.

These are the very things you need to rethink to be successful in the future.

The assumptions you've made about how things work no longer apply to what the task at hand requires.

With Zach @ WCC

Today I'm in OKC working with the Youth Ministry Leadership Team of WCC. It's a pretty amazing group of folks in a very unique church. Peoples lives are being changed in OKC because of how God is and has been working within this group of people. I'm not a big numbers. I rarely quote them, but this is someone interesting. There are about 700 students involved in their outreach program called "the Mix". The Mix meets 5 weeks on and then 3-6 weeks off. Oh and there isn't a Youth Pastor, or dedicated youth staff person at all. On purpose.

Sure the church has it's weaknesses (every church does if you haven't noticed) but they are aggressively working on their short comings.
One day they will hire someone, but they will not have your typical job description huh.

Today I brought Zach with me. He's out of school and we came down a bit early and have had a good time. He's spending time exploring the church building and reading his latest book. It's good to have him along. We'll see how he handles me being in my 4 hour meeting tonight.

Advertising

I was thinking recently about a dozen or more conversations I've had in the last year about advertising for the Riddle Group. Most of the conversations were with clients who already use the services the Riddle Group provides. As the subject comes up, we talk about my personal thoughts about advertising. I don't want to advertise the Riddle Group. I love being a company that works almost exclusively by word of mouth. But here is what my friends (who happen to be clients) have to say.

"People need to be able to find you because they need what you are offering."

"Churches need to know that you exist."

"Advertising will let people know about the cool stuff you do."

This makes sense to me. I feel like we are offering something significant, but I'm seriously wondering about the cost of doing so especially for a very very small business. I'm also wondering about the medium.

Those of you who no me understand that I'm not a big fan of selling myself. But I'm wondering about more letting people know about the Riddle Group.

Any advertising guru's in the house? anyone who gets what I'm talking about?

O' Virginia

Soon I'll be in the DC area. Northern Virginia to be exact to be with the good people of St. Matthew's. I'll be leading a Parent's Night Out. I'll be talking about the new way of doing youth ministry the church has been working on for about 9 months. It's an exciting group of people leading the ministry there and it is always good to spend time with them.

On of the things I'll be talking about is "What every Youth Pastor wishes Parent's understood." I've put the finishing touches on my time with them this morning.

I'm curious..
If you are a youth worker or pastor, what do you wish parents understood?

The Morning, the Afternoon and the weekend

I spent the morning with a great group of folks in the Emergent Village Tulsa Cohort. Then we went to Joe Mommas for pizza and an energetic conversation on the need for theology to be rooted in space and time and that there is no truth other than God outside of time and space. And Pete Rollin's thoughts that right belief is not as important as believing in the right way. Good stuff. I'm not sure anyone agreed with me though. If they did they weren't speaking up! Fun non-the-less especialy with such good thinkers.

I wrote three chapters for one of my YS books (is this the first time I've mentioned this on my blog?) Working Chapter titles: How to dig a Mud Pit; How to Scare Kids into the Kingdom; and How to get a volunteer to stop sending you FWs.

I've spent the afternoon with last minute preparations for a youth worker retreat with Westmoore Community Church. It's always great to hang out with such "messed up" people. (their words, not mine) I've been begging for a WCC t-shirt that says, "the church of the messed up" on it... but to no avail so far. WCC is a fun to work with and I'm pretty sure it's the only church I work with that is a Blue Collar mega church. If my count is correct they average between 2,000 and 2,500 in attendance on Sunday morning and they have less than 10 staff people. (There isn't a paid youth staff person by the way)

So, I'm excited about my time with such amazing folks!

I'm off to spend time with the family before I leave for the weekend.
Talk to you soon.

The Problem with High School Ministry

High school ministry across the country is a struggle for churches. A radical change has occurred. (or should I say discontinuous change) It's certainly not the first and it won't be the last.

Youth ministry (especially high school ministry) was the solution church and parachurch ministries used to address the growing chasm of adolescence. Youth ministry as we know it has become fairly confident in this answer and have felt that what has worked for the last 30 years will work for the future.

But today's high school student is different than any other person who has existed on the face of the earth. At least in a few ways. In other ways, it's important to affirm that they are very much the same. But that isn't what this post is about. High school students who our churches are working with are unique. They are a new people group who have grown up and been shaped within a unique environment.

Managing this change with the same skills and approaches to teens will not work for this group of people.

Youth ministry from 8 years ago might work with middle school students today. But not for a majority of high school students. The youth worker who is hands on with kids will develop a series of responses over the next few years. But here is something I can't get out of my head, so I'll pass it on to you, especially if you are a Senior Pastor, church leader or youth pastor.

Do me a favor: Go read your churches vision statement. Read about what your church says it's mission in the world is.

Now spend the next couple years wrestling with this.
Is that vision, and mission something your high school students would be willing to die for? Willing to give up everything for. Would you be willing to let them? Are you willing to die for what your church exists?

Most of the High school students I talk to don't attend church because they don't see anything worthy of their time. The gospel and discipleship comes across as some kind of endless self-help formula that never ends and to which others outside their world become an afterthought. Kids are looking for something to give their lives to and most churches offer them games and "a youth program" with a crazy busy schedule that keeps kids out of trouble or better yet... builds a resume for life.


These kids see through the games and "fun". Most of them can have fun somewhere else.

Far too many high school ministries (and by default most churches) today are only training students to be adults who view church as irrelevant to real life.

There are other elements that contribute to the smallness of high school ministry today as well. I won't go into those at this point though.

An Assumption I've been Carrying

I should know better. And though my friends leading the WCC Youth Ministry would tell me, "Don't should on yourself"... I am right now. I really should have known better. Maybe we can all learn from my faulty assumption. Perhaps you hold this faulty assumption. Perhaps you have lived in the understanding I'm coming into.

But let me back up a bit.
We all carry assumptions about the world we live in, why it is the way it is and how things will always be. We often don't actually see our own assumptions very clearly because they are quite simply the ruling ideas that define our criteria for making important decisions based on our memories of our experiences and encounters with the world.

For instance, my wife has never taken an allergy test, but she refuses to eat shrimp. Once she ate shrimp and she had the sensation of her throat constricting. A scary experience that left here with a new rule for eating. No shrimp. Was it actually the shrimp? Probably. Could it have been something else? Yes. Perhaps because we were sitting in the smoking section (a rare place to find us) Pam was reacting to the smoker at the next table. Perhaps it was some other ingredient in the food. It makes no difference, because Pam made the assumption it was the shrimp that caused her reaction. I think she's right by the way. This re-enforces her assumptions.

Now the assumption I've been functioning within is under the radar. It's not shrimp it has to do with change and the church. I'm honestly not sure where my assumption came from but I can just say it's been with me for quite a long long time.

I have always assumed that people leading the church understood change to be discontinuous. Alan Roxburgh describes discontinuous change as disruptive and unanticipated. It's the kind of change that demands change within us as people because, as Alan writes, "The skills we have learned aren't helpful in this kind of change."

He contrasts discontinuous change to continuous change which he describes as a change that "develops out of what has gone before and therefore can be expected, anticipated and managed."

Good stuff.

I have always known that there are people who, when faced with a challenge and need to change simply refuse to do so. This is still true. But there are those who desire to change but simply misunderstand the the nature of change. For them, change is to be managed. Change is dependent upon the skill they have already learned. Which it does, sometimes, when change is continuous.

But you can not depend upon skills you currently have for discontinuous change. It requires a new set of assumption about life, ministry, family and God.

So I must admit. I thought, or at least I've been functioning under the assumption that everyone understood this.

My new Macbook Pro

It came in the mail yesterday and I'm finding my way around it. I'll spare you the details of how great it is... except for Jimmy, I want you to know how great my it is and how much better it is than your HP. :-)

Church Assessment means Blog Pause

I apologize for the pause in my blogging. When I'm travelling with the Riddle Group to do an assessment it is an all consuming venture. There is no room for extra brain activity.

To give you a glimpse into what we do: the main chunk of the schedule is over 3 days. I went in a day early this time to observe the 2 Saturday night services and 2 Sunday morning services along with accompanying youth programs. The main chunk was Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. During those 3 days Jonathan and I will interview 63 people one-to-one. (A min. of 30 minutes each) We'll participate or lead over 53 hours of conversation. Then on the 4th day we write our assessment with ActionPoints which give direction to the congregation to move on. 99% of the document (17 pages in this case) is completely original material unique to the church we are visiting.

All of this thinking and writing makes it difficult to blog during an assessment, so I appreciate your patience.

Colorado Springs

I'll be in Colorado Springs in the not to distant future. I'll be doing an assessment a church there. I have lots of memories from Colorado Springs. I attended a Leadership Network/ YS large church youth ministry forum in 1998 and while I was there I had my first Jamba Juice. I remember Darrell Pearson taking a few of us to Yakatori as well. Then Darrell took us to meet the great Jim Hancock who was famous to me because he was the mastermind behind EDGEtv, the precursor to what every semi-modern church does now in their services. Jim is a true artist whose stuff you must read.

This trip I'm looking forward to meeting new friends and hoping to hang out with Jen and Jay However. Jen who among other things gives significant leadership to YMwomen: A network for women in Youth Ministry and Jay who is the gatekeeper for all things publishing for at YS.

This trip the second consultant will be Jonathan Reitz who I just discovered (via an obscure website) is considered by someone to be a Famous Lutheran! Who knew?

Life Coaching my Sister

My cousin is a dentist and he's my dentist. He's very generous with me and what he wants me to pay him as a family member. (Generally nothing at all)

My dad is a lawyer. He's good for free legal advice.

My uncle is vet. He's generous with my family specifically with my yellow lab Shelby.

I could go on here.

I have often thought, that as a youth pastor, pastor or consultant that I don't have as much to offer my family for free. Have you ever felt that way?

So when my little sister is seeking some vocational clarity and needs some outside coaching for life (something I offer as a coach and consultant) it makes me very happy to be able to use my gifts and vocation to serve her.

That's what I'm doing tonight! What's really cool is that she was referred to me by her friend whose husband I coached last week.

That's my sister in them middle between my sister-in-law and mom.

My thoughts on the Role of the Youth Pastor: Part 2

So what does a youth pastor do?

The churches the Riddle Group works with own the ministry to youth which practically speaking means that every bulletin announcement, every calendar, every van reservation, every missions trip, every event, every game everything is planned by the congregation. The congregation takes care of everything, because the ministry belongs to them. So what does the youth pastor do?

I believe the youth pastor's role is to be fully present with God and to be fully present with people.

That's it. Period.

It's a lot and it will look somewhat different for each context and each youth pastor.

My friend Ryan, who was hired as a youth pastor in a church the Riddle Group consulted, summed it up.

"You mean I get to be myself? I don't have to fake being someone I'm not? Are you kidding me?"

Nope. I'm not kidding. You take yourself, what you are good at, with all your giftedness before God. Listen. Be.

Then. Be yourself with people and youth. Are you a great teacher? Teach from your experience with God and your community. Are you an administrator? Administrate.

How is your memory?
Do you remember why you got into ministry? What was the impetus for it? Was it to do what you are doing right now? In other words, when you started ministry and responded to the call God had on your life for ministry did you think you'd spend your week like you do? Did you leave ministry, because it seemed that the calling you receieved from God consistantly failed to line up with the expectations the church had for you as a youth pastor?

A New Normal - Part 1

My list earlier was what is widely considered normal in youth ministry. This might be what life was like in the future if churches addressed the systemic issues of the church related to youth ministry.


A new Normal.
1. Youth pastors and churches stay committed to each other and they each deal with the issues that currently lead them to break off relationships. This kind of commitment is viewed as a long term relationship and both parties work hard to assure the other is healthy and cared for. Turn over will never go away, but the expectation and norm for the "New Normal" will be longer committed relationships between church and youth pastor. To see this happen, churches will think about specific expectations ahead of time for their staff. The expectations will be managed by non-staff people who are committed to supporting the congregation and the pastor. These expectations will be reasonable and healthy for the youth pastor. In the "New Normal" churches who are unwilling to do this difficult task will find themselves without a youth pastor, as youth pastors will learn to pass over these kinds of congregations.

2. In the New Normal, the success or failure of the spiritual nurture of our students will rest on the local community starting with, but absolutely not limited to the parents. A youth pastor will still play an important role in the nurture of kids, but the ministry and spiritual nurture will not longer hinge on their ability. Ine the New Normal, Churches will remember what the role of the pastor is, while developing better habits of doing life together, and have a level of expertise in the congregation. (aside from a youth pastor) These congregations will be fun to work with as a pastor, and will give consistancy to students in their discipleship.

more later

Marko jokingly says my last post is a bit cranky. I'm not so much cranky as disappointed and unwilling to live with the status quo of youth ministry any longer. (that's why I'm investing my life in what I am) Cranky feels angry, which I was 3-4 years ago. I also want to be clear, that I'm not casting any blame in this post. If you really read the list and let each point soak in a bit, you'll recogonize that to blame one group of people like senior pastors, youth pastors or church leaders would be far to limited in scope. Pointing fingers might be the easiest thing to do, and it certainly is the most natural thing to do, but would be a significant waste of time, emotion and energy.

My friends, things do not have to stay this way. Your frustration and energy would go far more to invest looking at the big picture and then making small simple observations and corrects as we go. (which is easier than it sounds)

From the Intro to my Book Proposal / A glimpse into my preferred future

So I'm finishing up a section of the introduction to my book and here's what I've written. As I was writing it, I thought that it might be a glimpse into my heart for what I believe to be the preferred future of youth ministry might look like.
This is a list of things the church has come to accept a normal, but that you and I can no longer accept.


To put it simply, it's no longer acceptable that these things happen in most churches in North America.


Things We Have Come to Accept in Youth Ministry.
1. Youth pastor turnover- That a youth pastor will only stay for a short time.
2. That the success or failure of the spiritual nurture of our kids is based primarily on the giftedness or lack thereof, of a person filling the youth position.
3. That the assumption by church leadership is that best youth pastors are young.
4. That a youth pastor can/will/should disciple themselves without the guidance of a senior pastor.
5. That a healthy gauge to tell when youth ministry is going well is when there are no complaints.
6. That Senior Pastors should not be involved in youth ministry.
7. That parents should not be involved in youth ministry.
8. That we give lip service to parents being the primary spiritual nurturers of their children, but do absolutely nothing to actually support parents in our church.
9. That so many youth pastors who feel called to ministry, leave vocational ministry before they turn 30.
10. That youth ministry is church for teens.
11. That youth have different basic needs than adults.
12. That youth have been systematically abandoned by adults within the culture and the church has done the same.
13. That having a youth pastor means the youth ministry is taken care of.
14. That the best youth ministries keep kids busy.
15. That it's a sin to bore a kid.
16. That kids don't think about theology or they aren't ready for it.
17. That we do very little theological reflection when it comes to why we have a youth ministry.
18. The assumption that kids just want fun and games rather than relationships and theological engagement.
19. That Christian Education is an answer to all our problems.
20. That parental involvement in the spiritual development of their children is optional.
21. That the systematic estrangement of adolescents in our church is best for the kids and their “age level appropriate” activities and living out the gospel.
22. That kids only receive the benefits of a youth ministry/youth pastor and do not need to contribute to make this ministry happen.
23. That youth ministry is something only some of us in the church do.
24. That youth ministry is something that happens in a program at the church.
25. That all problems can be fixed with a program.
26. The perception that once I’ve grown my kids into college that I no longer need to work with youth.
27. That the youth pastor is actually just a director of activities.
28. That we no longer remember what a pastor is in many local churches.
29. That youth pastors have forgotten the reason they got into youth ministry in the first place because they are burdened with responsibilities they are miserable at accomplishing.
30. That the Jesus himself could not live up to the wildly inappropriate expectations a church has for a youth pastor.
31. That there is no healthy way to manage the expectations of the church.

Travel Woes

Yesterday was a long day. Todd Littleton and I spent Monday in Northern Virginia with the great folks of St. Matthew's Episcipal Church of Sterling. Tuesday we were scheduled to leave at 6am from Washington Dulles. Our flight got cancelled and Todd's flight left at 6:55am and I totally scored a 9:30am flight. Which means I didn't have to get up at 4:00am EST. My flight to DFW was uneventful and packed. Former Congressman JC Watts was sitting in coach a few rows ahead of me. There were other famous people onboard I'm sure that I didn't recognize, which I'm convinced is always the case. ORU Head Coach Scott Sutton and former Oklahoma State great / Assistant coach Cory Williams were on my flight from DFW to Tulsa. This is my second flight with them in three weeks. Only the other flight was to Chicago.

Anyway I got to DFW, and saw there was a 12:15pm Tulsa flight boarding in another terminal. I quickly asked a American Airlines desk person if there were any seats left. She said, yes. 76 seats were open. Sweet.

So I book it to the other gate and .... they've already boarded. Nobody to help me. The plane is still there. But noone to let me in the door.
Plane pulls away and I'm dissappointed.

I have a seat on a 3:15 flight, so I decide to eat some lunch.
My 3:15 flight turns into 3:55. Then 4:15. Then 4:55 boarding time.

So I read 400 pages of Peter and the Shadow Theives, something my son Zachery has been urging me to do for a few months now. Then I watched the two hours of 24 that I'd missed on the Fox MySpace.

Finally I land at about 7:00pm in Tulsa. (did I mention that originally my first flight had me arriving at 10:15am in Tulsa?) Ugh!

Zach and Planet Wisdom

Friday afternoon I had lunch with Mark Matlock of Planet Wisdom in Tulsa. We ate at the Full Moon Cafe. It was a good lunch. Mark and I had been trying to get together for about 5 months for an extended conversation. Mark is a businessman who is also able to nurture the artist in himself. He does both well. He invited Zach and I up to the conference on Friday night so we went. Zach like the worship band Addison Road and he absolutelty loved the Skit Guys. After the skit guys did their thing we went back stage and hung out with everyone and talked with Mike Work (who is an amazing youth ministry veteran who works with PW and Denver Seminary). Zach talked a bit with the skit guys and the leader singer to Addison Road offered Zach some candy, which he took.
I special treat was the fact that two of the churches I'm currently working with had brought their kids to event. So it was good to see them.

The rest of the weekend Zach kept repeating the Skit Guys skit. He had a ton of fun.

Today is One of those Days

Vulnerable Post ahead:...

Today the world feels heavier. I've felt it's weight for a while. Some of it belongs to a soul that needs more attention than I'm giving it. Some of it belongs to a deep felt need for community that I don't feel I have right now. Some of this heaviness is my personality... I'm finding that I'm most healthy when there is stability in my life. Ironically it's what accompanies stability that is difficult for me as a creative ideas oriented guy. But I'm finding the wrestlessness that gives life to my creative, relational side of my life also feeds a dark side of my life when I feel unsafe. The main thing on my mind is money, income and bills that need to be paid. The Riddle Family is currently living outside our means and it's primarily my fault. I am struggling with God on some level about this. I feel like most of what the Riddle Group is doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know we are making a difference in the lives of teens via partnering with churches and pastors. I feel like the ideas are revolutionary to youth ministry rediscovering it's soul and supportive systems for youth pastors that the church has rarely seen. (of course everyone thinks their ideas are revolutionary don't they) But I am not a businessman. I'm not savy to marketing or image. In fact, I've spent much of my life running from dealing with perception and marketing. The rhythmn of business is feels foreign to me and while I'm learning it I still feel like I'm Animal in the Muppet band, beating drums like crazy, as fast and hard as I can, and missing the beat everytime. I also don't like to self-promote, which is obviously a problem for someone in the business I'm in. The Riddle Group doesn't advertise, mostly because I believe that it betrays something about the nature of the kingdom of God and what I think churches should be about. (This is the same reason I never asked the Jump5 kiddos to sign any autographs for me when I toured with them as their Pastor. It's hard to speak truth into someone life when you are asking for the autograph. It's hard to tell a church that relationships and evangelism are more important than advertizing.)

So I'm in a place where I could be wreckless. It's taking a certain amount of discipline not to become impulsive or throwing myself into constant activity (see the Animal illustration above).

As I'm writing this I'm wondering how it will be perceived. Will it hurt business? Should I write it? Will it help business?? Is that why I'm writing this? I hope not. I need to share this. I need to get this out there.

Today is one of those days, I guess.

Myth #2 - The Search for the perfect church / model

I often disappoint myself. It seems my default for fixing problems is often to seek out the solution that will permanently fix the problem I'm facing. PERMANENTLY. Whether it be the program that is "just right" or a training rhythm for youth workers that equips them for success AND balances an appropriate use of their time. or just the right curriculum roadmap.

Regardless, my default setting, when facing something that is less than ideal, I want to make it perfect, for good. So that once I set in place a curriculum for 6-12 grades I don't ever want to have to look at it again. Maybe you don't have this problem. No. Problem isn't the right world... psychosis is the right word.

The driving underlying statement for me "If I can get to a certain point, it will be fixed."

What I'm still learning is that Youth Ministry and the church is always evolving. Always changing. Always rethinking itself. As I read the last two sentances I think "duh! no kidding riddle!" but I don't actually live like I believe this is true.

Humility is the key to great leadership in this regard. The drive to have the youth ministry or church that "isn't like the church or youth ministry down the street" or that is "different" is to approach ministry in arrogance.

Why? Because the model / church/ youth ministry you are seeking asylum from, running from, reacting against will be the oppressive model for someone else who is to come. In short, your solution will be someone elses problem.

This shouldn't keep you from trying new things, coming "over-against" as brueggeman says, but it should bring a strong dose of humility. Your program may actually solve a lot of problems for others, but it will not be perfect and it will need to evolve, change and one day die. Knowing this when you start something new, especially a new church, will save you some heartache in the future. It will keep you from having to guard and protect your model / church/ youth ministry in the future.

There is no perfect way to do church.

Therefore, church who learn to learn will be the churches who impact their world.

maybe more later... got go to a meeting.

Myth #1 -Why a New Youth Pastor isn't the Answer

Every week or so I talk to another church looking for a youth pastor. As I talk to the church's representative, generally a Senior Pastor or a "lay-person" leading the search, I have come to expect several things that are almost always true. "Almost" may be misleading though. Every church I have talked to so far has believed this myth and lived into it's subsequent behavior pattern! I say "almost" because I haven't personally spoken to all the churches in North America and I'm leaving the door open that churches don't always believe this myth.


Myth #1
If we just get the right youth pastor, that individual will lead us to a healthy youth ministry. The formula for this myth would be something like this:

Just the Right Youth Pastor = Success

The evil twin for this myth is: If we find the right youth pastor and he/she brings us the right program/vision then we will have a healthy youth ministry. That forumla might look like this:

Just the Right Youth Pastor + Just the right Program = Success

Of course success can be defined in a lot of ways. Because most churches are not very good at articulating what "success" actually is, it will lead to problems down the road. But that's another topic.

If things go wrong (maybe I should say when because something always goes wrong on some level) churches who believe this myth can only point to one reason. The youth pastor or the program/vision that the youth pastor brought us. (which still points to the youth pastor.) The formula for this?

Failure = The Wrong youth pastor

How might a church make this right? They get rid of the problem. And hire who they percieve will be the solution.

Of course by now the problem is a bit more complex. Aside from being simplistic it's goes a bit against what the church actually believes about faith and development. Maybe I'll find some time to unpack this sometime too.

The youth pastor, is rarely the answer to problems your congregation is having. don't get me wrong, I think that youth pastors cause plenty of problems for churches. Whether it be because they are immature, or undisciplined or they just do something stupid. But the real issue is generally not the youth pastor. (The church hired that particular immature, undisciplined youth pastor after all)

Rules of Systems Thinking being broken:

1.) There is no blame. Not in systems thinking. You can never point the finger at someone within a community without owning a part of the blame yourself. It's my experience that a vast majority of youth pastors are viewed on some level as outsiders to the congregation. I haven't thought much on why this is, but I'd be willing to bet that one of the reasons churches keep youth pastors at arms length (in almost every case subliminally) from being "one of us" is because leverage for influence changes dramatically when a church staff person becomes a percieved part of the community, rather than simply a staff person who loves the church. I will say that most youth pastors do actually want to be considered to be a peer to others in the community. Many (usually inexperienced youth pastors) believe they are "one of the congregation" and if the relationship changes to "staff person" it might accompany a great deal of pain for that individual rooted in feelings of betrayal.
The cure for this rule, lies within the churches relationship, and understanding of the youth pastor and more specifically, the individual you have hired. A book could be written on this one. So, I'll move on.

2.)Cutting a teenager in half does not make two teenagers. The integrity of decision making in your church is rooted in being able to see the whole of the interactions the church is making. This myth is rooted in the fact that most churches don't allow for many people to see the whole picture. They generally only see their part. Not seeing how everyone in the church is effected/affected by the youth pastor position and youth ministry leads to either reductionistic thinking (ie. A youth pastor will solve all our problems) or sectarian thinking (ie. The youth pastor will make the changes I want him/her to make)

3.) It gets better before it gets worse. That is to say, Often hiring a youth pastor actually works and seems to solve the problems the congregation has. Generally though, at some point in the future it will get worse than it is today. This is a particularly difficult point. The reason most churches believe the Myth that finding "Just the right youth pastor = Success" is because often in the short term it actually seems to work! A new youth pastor shows up and some of the success indicators for the church light up! Numbers may go up. Kids may be happy. Parent's don't complain as they get a feel for the newbie.

4.) All of these things within the local church are also influenced by (and also informs) the greater North American Church and culture.

What do you think? Have you seen this? Do you think I'm being overly dramatic?

Myth we believe and behaviors we live - Intro

I'm starting a series of posts on patterns of behavior I'm encountering as a consultant within churches. I'm hoping that this might be a helpful tool for folks to understand their current context and maybe give them some guidance as they love kids and families here in north america.

I'm using the term myth, because by and large these are accepted understandings churches have about staffing, youth minstry, youth pastors, and youth. These myth's are subtle and because of that can be a bit tricky to see. They are the water we swim in.

The reason it's so important to address these mythical beliefs is simple. They inform the cultures and expectations of our churches. Our systems are dramatically impacted by these false beliefs. More importantly these myths feed the dysfunction within the local church you and all your friends talk about.

No Travel (of the business sort) until Jan. 3rd.

2006 will be the year of travel for me. A few years ago I toured the eastcoast with the Jump5 kiddos, and traveled a ton for about 5 weeks. But 2006 has been crazy.

For folks who travel a lot, this might seem lame, but for me it's been crazy.
In just the past 3 months, I've been in the following airports.

Tulsa
Grand Rapids
Detroit
Cincinnati
Houston (hobby)
Houston (the other one)
Alberquerque
Cleveland
Washington Dulles
DFW
Charlotte

I've racked up almost 50,000 miles in the air and I'm tired of traveling. I've driven around 25,ooo miles related to work as well.

I'm so excited that I don't have to travel again until Jan. 3rd. With the expection of a trip to Dallas/ Fort Worth / Arlington after Christmas.

Trying to Explain Systems Thinking in the Church:. Part 1

I'm often talking about systems within the church to leadership or other ministry professionals. Often they assume I'm talking about logistics or administration, which to be fair are a part of systems, but only a small part. So on my flight from Charlotte to DFW this weekend I decided to throw something together to try to explain it a bit more.

Case Study - You want to change Sunday School to another program in your church. The following list represents SOME of the parts of the average system. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Mary is a 7th grader. Her parent's loved Sunday School when they were growing up.

2. Approximately 50% of the parents of kids your Sunday School want a break from their kids in the adult Sunday School class.

3. Influential congregation members believe Sunday School works and is the primary means by which "christian education" occurs

4. It's written in your Job Description that you must to have Sunday School and you must lead it.

5. Your congregation values parents and adults more than kids. They entice adults (giving units) by having a great children's minitry.

6. Complaints from parents are functionally considered a priority over biblical values. (or any values for that matter)

7. Values of excellence demand that Sunday School work very well.

8. Bill has been teaching 8th grade Sunday School for 15 years.

9. Your church is pround of points 7, 8, 23,40.

10. Your church has always done S.S.

11. S.S. works when you show a Nooma video, but they don't make Nooma videos fast enough.

12. Not doing S.S. means your church might have to think about why it does youth ministry.

13. Your church doesn't like to think.

14. The kids in SS feel entitled to be catered to.

15. Youth Pastors in your church have traditionally been very inexperienced.

16. The last 3 Youth Pastors tried to change SS and failed. (No one told you this until you had announced the big change to the congregation)

17. Joe, a committed volunteer, wants to change SS like you do.

18. Several parents secretly distrust Joe, for something you will never know about.

19. Because you trust Joe, some parents secretly distrust you.

20. Some of these distrusting parents serve in your youth ministry because of point 19.

21. Fear is a key motivator for parents in your youth group.

22. There's a lot to be afraid of in your city.

23. Your Senior Pastor doesn't think about youth ministry unless you bring it up or if there is a problem.

24. The church thinks that youth ministry is your job.

25. People, especially parents fear loss for their kids. Loss of opportunity, faith, relationships etc. This is strongly tangeble for them in your programming.

26. The church down the street has big attendance in SS.

27. The Music Pastor feels like all the churches musicians belong to her.

28. The Music Pastor has been on staff for 20 years.

29. The Senior Pastor is afraid of the music pastor.

30. Teaching SS is in your job description.

31. Every adult in your church used to go do SS.

32. A lot of parents remember a cool youth pastor in their SS class when they were kids.

33. Your church built SS rooms for your Middle School and high school students to meet in. They have the nicest white boards.

34. "Didn't the trustees just spend $3,500 painting and fixing up the SS rooms?"

35. For much of you congregation, if they can't see kids involved in ministry , the simply believe there is not ministry happening.

36. Kim and Brad only come to SS because they are sooo busy with school activities.

37. Some church members think you only work on Sunday mornings. Why would you want to cancel kid's church?

38. SS is perceived to be church for youth.

39. The church secretary told some parents that you are lazy because you are never in the office.

40. As the youth pastor you buy into 4, 7, 12, 17, 21, 22, 24 and 26 and you are largely unaware of the rest of the points on the list. But you still want to change SS because it's only a "small change" in your Big plan.

41. Your church leadership feels it has a very high value on teens and youth ministry.

42. Your SS budget is $20,000 a year. (that includes your FT salary)

43. You secretly feel inadequate about SS not working and your inability to make it work.

44. You secretly feel like the expert and everyone else is an idiot.

45. SS is one of the 2 things your church counts and equates with success. The other is the # is of people baptized.

46. You think the reason the youth ministry doesn't work is "them". Them = parents and other non-descript people who are working against you and God's plans.

47. Some older folks think teens will be fine regardless of the youth ministry you lead.

48. Your church loves to gossip.



Now here's where it gets fun.

If you are a youth pastor and you are looking at this list you likely have a few responses depending on your personality and a few other things.

1. "I give up" - It can't be done! I'm going to work for UPS.
The Result - You have an inner battle about your calling and it tears you up.

2. "Screw-up!" We're changing SS whether the people like it or not!
The Result - Bye Bye.

3. "I can methodically address each of these issues as tehey are revealed to me then we can change SS.
The Result: Partial change and frustration. What you don't realize is that the sum of these ideas, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors and beliefs actually form something of an eco-system for your church and how it works and how it understands itself. These are the norms of your church. Your church isn't simply 50 individuals / groups with perceptions. (though they are that.) Your church is alive like an animal that will fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo. you can't change the church in a sustainable way without addressing the system. This is why The Riddle Group exists. This is why so many seminars you have the opportunity to attend are waisting your time.


more to come